emo nemo zero hero!

~

ivory dress pooled around her knees.

her face of anguish; of unchained fear.
clasping his hand, she cries "don't go"

but he turns away; she will never be whole.

suitcase packed, memories of the years

are all thats left. a home of tears.

little Jane in the doorway, blanket in her hand.

where, she whispers, where is daddy going?

once was love, support, care

now a lonely bed, a pillow, a chair.

a courtship of passion, of desire sang

in the end, nothing but embers twisting, dying.

pills and knives and skyscrapers tall,

took on new meaning as her despair deepened.

mummy mummy, i want a story.

was all that kept her sane, that kept her going.

and then, a sliver of hope, a hand so firm.

another, perhaps, but never him.

let me in, he whispers, open your heart.

but it won't be easy, hidden in the dark.

slowly trusting, her hand reaches out

a part in tears, the other in bliss.

he will hurt you again, the past cries.

let him, for i am stronger; i will not hide.

~

random poem... this is fun:)

vi...wait for it... waaait for it... deo! mmm that didn't work very well.

beautiful song. beautiful perfomance.

beautiful love.

--5 dollars--

t'was not complicated,

nor overly long

but a simple tale
of a boy and a gal.

it was on a beach i chanced

upon such beauty

peerless and absolute

as you shall soon see.

she had eyes of sapphire

lips crimson like fire.

her skin was porcelain,

her bearing, of a saint.

with a smile so beautiful

she beckoned me over

and whispered softly,

'have you got 5 dollars?'

puzzled i grinned,

and pulled out five coins

our hands touched as i passed it over

and i felt a stir in my groin.

'so what are u gonna spend

that 5 dollars on?'

'oh nothing much...

just some flavored condoms.'

eyes starting to widen

as i let out a squeak.

am i hallucinating

or is she coming onto me?!

my palms got sweaty

as i looked nervously away

'oh, whatever for,

if ask i may.'

'well, what do you think'

she whispered seductively.

oh my god!

her voice is so sexy!

'um,' i stammered

excited and eager

'i think its for sex...'

and i started to tear.

because you see

i'm so old i'm embarrassed

forty years old

forty one this august.

since i was a kid

everyone called me a nerd.

with my socks pulled high

i guess i am, in every sense of the word.

thus its no surprise

when i say i'm a virgin.

when u're at my age

i think that's a sin.

so i wiped away my tears of joy

and grabbed her by the hand.

'come my sweet maiden,

let's make love in the sand!'

as i gazed into her eyes

i was so happy i could sing!

i'm going to lose my virginity,

to this alarm clock's ring.

oh. damn it.

--5 dollars--

arty farty monkey baby lovey dovey wishy washy

"as the sky turns an autumn red, our love fades into the dying light."

i feel very... nua. lol. as in, that feeling where u dun feel like doing anything, just melting and relaxing. sorta like an ice cream. haha. i get this way alot, especially during sunsets. theres just something about it:) then recently our GP teacher asked us to read Martin Luther King's "I have a dream speech" and damn, it was chock full of metaphors, descriptions, feeling... at the risk of being cliche, i'd say that even without its aim of liberating Negroes, its still a moving and powerful speech, able to touch the emotions we've buried in the face of logic and efficiency. and i remembered that i like to do such stuff too, way back when. so i decided that i might as well brush up... and what better subject than the sunset:)

Sunset. A time of beauty, where we celebrate an ending, rather than a start. As the radiant sun rests, it takes on a red hue of the deepest maroon, yet at the same time, the brightest amaranth. the sight is soothing, as it brings upon a quiet contemplation of life; of its impermanence, of its strength, of its elegance. "Life isn't about how many breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away." And that is true beauty. A flare of passion and love, an instant of inspiration and awe, a dash of grace and abandon is all it takes for one to feel alive.

Sunset. The moment whereupon life-giving light, in its dying moments, exude an illustrious aura, captivating, entrancing all that watch, before fading into a silent darkness, leaving us with an emptiness. An emptiness that isn't at all regretful or uneasy, but calming and comforting.

Sunset. In its crimson glory, it is more valuable than the most resplendent diamond, more fervent than the most passionate love. Its delicate allure is akin to that of a translucent dewdrop upon a beryl blade of grass at first dawn; of the delightful chirping of swallows as they flit around in playful abandon; of the the peaceful sapphire of an ocean framed by soft, silk sand. It is Nature as its zenith. It is a phenomenon of transcendent beauty, made all that more precious in its fleeting.

Sunset. Isn't it ironic how, despite its ephemeral nature, gazing upon it makes one lose all urgency as the world becomes irrelevant in the face of such everlasting yet evanescent beauty? Isn't it ironic how, the loneliness and the unknown it signals adds to its captivating lure? Isn't it ironic how, its inevitability makes one feel abysmally unimportant yet immeasurably intrinsic?

whew. that was... quite refreshing. much better than the super dull and repetitive econs essays and history essays. no offence! but i'm getting rusty:/ had to check thesaurus for fleeting and beauty. haiz. need to get writing more!

was going to deal with the subject of love, but i feel all arty-fartied out. i'll do it some other time:) today's post is quite short, so i leave you with this youtube video! personally i don't like clicking on video links, cos they load slow on third party websites.... but its worth it! check it out! :) :) :)

oh and one last thing, i found this on my old blog. and i thought it was cool:) so i'm gonna repost it here:)

the blur of the focused

the burn of the freezing

the hope of the damned

the joy of the grieving

the pain of the numb

the hate of the virtuous

the love of the cynic.

not one, not two, but four posts!

well. fourth post and counting.

not much today. free, so thought i'd update.

u know how awhile back... ok actually like, two posts or so back. u can just go see it. but anyway, awhile back i was really sian of studying, and talked about how i tried but its hard and all that?

guess what, its still true.

lol. seriously though, studying is sian, and always will be. and thats whats different. i've made my peace with that. rather than be a fish who complains about the flow of the river, i just go with it. but the thing is, is this part of losing myself?

look, i've been a staunch member of the ASCIKIAGLOH. the Anti-School-Cos-It-Kills-Individuality-And-Gives-Lots-Of-Homework. now, u may dismiss this as bullshit, but look around u, and i'm sure u will find someone who's like that. the ASCIKIAGLOH is actually only a subgroup from the main body, the IHSIG (I-Hate-School-In-General). i'm glad to say we have 90% of the student population under the IHSIG flag! (the other 10% wears high socks. ) oh and btw, i bet u tried pronouncing ASCIKIAGLOH. in fact, statistics say that in the face of an acronym with more than 3 vowels, the average person will attempt to pronounce it.

ok, but point is, i've always seen school, especially Singapore's, as a giant melting pot. that maybe a good thing (see America), but i think it sucks. i'm all up for individuality and uniqueness. i believe everyone is born unique. everyone has a unique talent. for instance, i have a unique talent for pissing people off. its god-given. i can look at u, and guess with 85% accuracy what will piss u off.

but seriously, right? everyone's born unique. but our schools hardly take this into account. take Economics for instance. do u think it takes into account ur unique perspective? no, it crams a format, fixed content, a fixed structure as far down ur throat as it'll go, gives u pen and paper, and grades u on how much of that crap u can spit up in a set time limit. what we learn in class isn't how to put our own views and understanding of the world economy into prose that inspires new perspectives, its how the education system wants u to write so that u'll get an A. i mean come on, am i the only one who sees this? we go to an education system, it teaches us how to write so we'll get a good grade from its own exam, and seriously, we come out not having learnt anything of practical use. i got this image in my head right now. education is this giant talking head, and its saying "i'll force u to learn completely irrelevant stuff for 6 years or more so that i can give u this certificate and u can go get a job". and u have no choice. because society is that fucked up. how should, a job that counts on ur ability argue for the rights of ur client, got to do with freaking differentiation? yet we have to learn it.

it is at this point that i find myself taking up the commonly-perceived as childish argument that we should be allowed to take the course we want from young. why go to secondary school and JC just to learn the same thing as everyone else and get melted together? honestly, i believe my practical education ended at p6, when i learned how to read and write both english and chinese, and enough maths to order my own meal without bringing too little money.

why can't i choose to be a writer and focus on that from the age of 10? because i won't be mature enough to decide? fine, give me the option to switch when i find that its not working out then. cos thats what education is about, isn't it? we should learn things we're interested in, not learn things some guy in parliament thinks we should learn. this is my idea of a perfect education system.

we get basic training how to read, write, spell, talk, count... all the basics of life. basically primary school. then we go to educationary school (see how i made the pun, with the education plus secondary, cos i think this is the real type of education and not... ah forget it.) we pick from an entire list of subjects and the description of the subject will include what taking that subject will help u become. for instance, one such subject description should look like this.

Further English.

This is a subject which educates u extensively in the art of the english language; its execution, its style, its practicality and its beauty. its history is optional. people who want to be Lawyers, Writers, Actors, Songwriters, Poets Etc, should take this subject. people who want to be Accountants, Mathematicians, Scientists, Businessmen Etc should fuck off and die. (i'm joking. i dun get the draw of those jobs, but i respect ur choice:) )

then we go on and take the subject. then we can take any amount of subjects we want, like lawyers can take further english, further history, further chinese, further debating etc etc to help him in his job. this goes on for 2 to 5 years, depending on the subjects u choose. then u go onto pre-work education. where u actually choose specific training in ur job. like if u want to be a teacher, u go to teacher school. u want to be a writer u go to writer school. u want to be a tele-marketer u go to really-annoying-people school. etc. then after u complete that, u have a choice to further ur studies in further education, which allows u to go overseas andstuff etc etc to learn more. and if u feel that ur chosen line isnt really that appealing, u get a choice to try again.

to me, i think that would be the perfect education system. i mean, u force me to take 2 sciences and 2 arts in secondary? for nuts? if i aim to be a writer, or an english teacher, why the hell would i need to learn science? isnt that a waste of manpower and time? honestly. u want well rounded? then how come the economy isn't like that. (i take a breath here to give a warning. economics stuff coming up now. if u're allergic to any form of economics, please skip ahead.)how come singapore doesn't produce our own crops, make our own water? because its inefficient and stupid. if we can get all this by trading, then we can all specialize then everyone gains. but our education system insists on wasting our time with trivial and irrelevant stuff. seriously. if u're a doctor, knowing whether or not singapore relies on exchange rate or interest rate policy isn't going to help u.

the education system does streamline throughout the years, but way too slowly. and even at uni, ur final stop, it still only gives u subjects. it doesnt give u career choices. sociology? sounds interesting. the study of human behavior? cool. what am i going to be with a sociology degree? um, i dunno. thats how it is. its interesting how they can give u such an in depth look into what it is, how they will teach it to you, how u can excel in it, how u can learn the same subject but in different countries, but they never tell u what job it'll help u get on the brochure. isnt that what education is for? for u to get a job?

the biggest irony though, is that we often dun get the job out education aims us at. like i heard about once, i forgot who, but he got a degree in economics, and ended up being a primary school teacher teaching english and science and arts. huh.

but going back to my point, i've accepted all this and now work doesn't seem to so evil and oppressive now. i tell myself, after i graduate and hopefully go university(hopefully hopefully hopefully), i'll really pursue my dreams. but is this acceptance the first step to becoming one of the mindless fish that swims out of the river of education into the sea of practicality? (ok that was quite bad, sorry). i dunno. and i dunno what scares me more, that accepting all this and continuing to study may make me into a brainwashed product of our education system with no individuality, or that even after typing out all this, i want to accept because its easier.

anyways, i dunno bout u, but i think that was a whole load of horsecrap of what i feel and think about the education system. if u feel i've wasted ur time, i'm sincerely sorry and will try to write better stuff next time. :) hope it wasn't too bad and cya next time:)

sick.

i got to thinking. different unis offer different courses and i think, that's cool. i wish i could get the course i want. then i can specialize in the subject i want and then!!... get a job completely unrelated to my cert. isn't that a bummer? i mean, haven't u seen or heard of stories where someone gets like, a business degree, but becomes an insurance agent? not completely unrelated but still. so it is entirely possible to work towards and finally get our hands on that coveted degree, yet end up in a shit of a job. i was about to lament about the unfairness of this, but i realized, isn't that what life is like in itself? i sure wasn't planning on mugging(trying) my brains out in a mugger school 2 years back. in fact, according to my Great Pre-Uni Plan, i should be refining my electric bass playing skills while juggling playing in a basketball team around this team. my noob-ness in afore mentioned fields aside, where i am now is pretty much as far as i could get from my envisioned life. perhaps not as slack as mine, but haven't u found that many times u have strayed from ur expected or planned path? an aspiring JC student who hopes for a straight track to uni and a doctorate may find themselves on a small detour to a Polytechnic. promising singers may find themselves trapped between a tall stack of economics notes and a pile of history books, their voice used no more than to inquire about the elasticity of demand or the reasons for the rise of religious fundamentalist groups. so what do we do now?

usually here will be where i impart my views on how one should follow their dreams and never give up, but perhaps that is too impractical. indeed, what can we do in this cold hard world where we sell our dreams for money? sometimes very little money even. (no matter what a certain teacher says i'm convinced she actually draws like, a 6 figure salary and has enough money in her bank to buy a bungalow, just for fun. D: ) i dunno, to be honest. even now i'm trying to find my way through this world thats so practical and hardworking. i've lived most of my life without any planning as to my education, or goals as to my grades. i just drifted through life, clutching the pathetic dream of becoming a writer. but now reality has ripped that dream outta my hands and shoved unis, courses, degrees, majors, overseas programs, insurance agents, horiculture(wtf?), teachers all in my face, and i feel overwhelmed.

i'd be glad if anyone at all reads this, so i'm not expecting anyone to take anything away from these rants, but i must say this time i dun have anything learnt. today was so educational, yet i learnt nothing, so informative, but i only got more confused.

and we had a farewell dinner with ms lee. :( she's the anti-thesis of what i am, hardworking, strict, organized... but i'll miss her. we all will. for all the merciless beatings we took at pw, the harsh ass-kicking during econs, the hardcore scoldings during lectures, only served to enrich our experience at AJC. you will forever be within our hearts as a great teacher ms lee. failing that, some young lady who shouted alot. i salute u.

P.S. ms lee, please forgive me for using this picture if u ever read my blog, but i had to. really. i'm sorry.

Numba two

ok.today i've got a quote from my favorite tv series, "how i met your mother." great show, check it out:)

"Okay, yes, it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake. But there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake, but you don't really know it's a mistake, because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake, and look back and say, "Yep, that was a mistake." So, really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you'd go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not. And, damn it, I've made no mistakes! I've done all of this, my life, my relationship, my career, mistake-free. Does any of this make sense to you?"


probably not. so i'll give you a minute to go back and read it all again:)











cool? basically its saying how, life isn't about doing everything perfectly, but experiencing everything at least once. according to a survey i found online, regret is the worst feeling in the world, on par with being cheated on, and slightly behind the death of family or self(though technically that wouldn't be a feeling cos you'd be dead but anyway). so honestly, would u want yourself to be cheated on? i believe not. so why do so many people risk regretting the experiences they never had, preferring to take the safe, sensible route?

simple. the answer is fear.

seriously. look at it, our society, our family, ourselves.... its all ruled by fear. we gotta score well, if not we won't have a good life! we gotta be popular so we can fit in and not be left out! we gotta study and put my own interests first, if not i will suffer and that guy will be better than me! we gotta do homework so our teacher won't scold us! look deep down, aren't you the same? humans, since time immemorial(god i've always wanted to say that), have been ruled by fear. fear of god, fear of being ostracized, fear of death and fear of loneliness have been a few of the primary fears that all people share. and most people would say, hey, whats wrong to fear? its not cowardly, its whats best for us. perhaps, but what if we can overcome these fears?what if, after discovering our greatest fear, we don't take steps to avoid it, but face it head on?


how many of you are afraid of spiders? come on hands up. in fact, i'll man up. i am completely... not terrified of spiders. heh. you wussies. ok, but seriously, if you're afraid of spiders, would u ever dare to... hold one in your hand? or visit the spider enclosures at... is there anywhere they keep spiders? mmm.

or heights. i'm afraid of heights, and honestly the idea of taking just the singapore flyer freaks me out. but given the chance, i would go for it. really. at the risk of sounding like this weird, shameless douche, when u actually face down your fears and just like flip it a strong and firm metaphorical middle finger, do you really, really feel in control of your life. for me, this moment was... ok this does sound quite idiotic typed out, but this moment was when i leaned on the railings on the top floor Plaza Singapura and looked down to the crowds below. not exactly an awe-inspiring and motivational example, but yeah. i remember when i was young, i went to PS alot. but whenever i rode the escalator i always didn't dare to look down cos its just so damn high. like you're about to fall off. so that day, when i gathered up my nuts and looked over that railing, i felt really in control. like, i could do anything. i could go on a roller coaster ride. i could complete that stupid high elements resilience course in J1. i could take the goddamn singapore flyer.

and perhaps u have felt such a thrill before. the adrenaline shoots up to your head, and u feel pretty damn good about yourself. in fact, it doesn't even have to come from facing your fears.for instance, completing an 8 km run(for average people like me:/ ), going up on stage and dancing/singing/performing/emceeing, scoring a whole bunch of goals in soccer.. and so on. all of these can be put under one big group, and this brings us full circle back to what i was talking about.

experiences.

not just any experience, one that u usually would not have done, or were to afraid to have done, or did not think you could have done. its when u really remove all your inhibitions and go for it, will you truly live life. and it is also at this point of time can u really have no regrets about life. comfort and security and safety all feels good and all, but do you really wanna spend your entire life eating apples only, when out there, within your reach, is a delicious triple-tier tiramisu black forrest and cheese cake flavoured ice cream, swimming in chocolate-strawberry-and-caramel syrup, topped off with an aromatic and crunchy selection of cashew, almond, and roasted nuts... and at the very top a beautifully shining crimson cherry?

apple, or triple-tier ice cream?

i know what i'll pick :)